I just ended a four month relationship with a great guy because I wasn't physically or romanticly attracted to him.
I met him on a Christian Dating site in January 09, we sent pictures, e-mailed and talked on the phone for a month before we actually met because we live 3 1/2 hrs apart.
When we did first meet, it was great to finally see him in person, not just see a picture, or hear his voice on the phone, but I knew right then I wasn't attracted to him, but we connected in so many other ways...He's a strong chrisitian guy, growing in his faith, we have similar beliefs about family roles, money, children, all the biggies... We liked the same kind of things, we got along well. I really liked him.
So we went on a couple of dates after that, about once a month when we could get together and in between each time we saw each other I was fervently praying that God would let me be physically attracted to him. Finally this last time that we saw each other, I had this overwhelming feeling that we could not be more than friends. So I told him.
So I guess I'm confused, I wait for years to meet a great Christian guy that has all the qualities I'm looking for and when I finally do, I'm not romanticaly attracted to him.
Am I shallow? I mean I'm not looking for movie star looks....How much should physical attraction matter in a relationship? Can physical attraction come with time? Or did I just mess up a really good thing?
I would really like to hear your thoughts...
well, for starters, I think there is a level of adjustment when you're going to talking with someone online to meeting them. I do understand that you've some time face to face and there is no level of attraction between the two of you beyond a friendship level. I don't think you should apologize for that; you did make an effort to see if you were attracted to him. However,I will add that you examine WHAT you find attractive and what you find physically appealing in regards to men, as well as do a dating/relationship inventory. I think sometimes that there are some overly romantic ideas about what makes a woman swoon when it comes to attraction. There are some men who are handsome, but are handsome when you look at them in new eyes of character and deep friendship. So I guess you should be asking, Why do I like what I like? And if the bottom of that interest is not simply layed with past experience and truly a matter of preference, then the question that should be posed next is this: How important is it that I am able to be attracted to my spouse? Because, to be frank, if you're not physically attracted to them ever, then how in the world do you expect to consummate the marriage?
So the bottom line is this:what things are you attracted to and why? Are those things dealbreakers in regards to character(and a reflection of that);or are you shutting down a good guy because it doesn't fit the picture of the relationship with the godly guy you'd always imagined?
Attraction matters, but it's understanding the basis and foundation of personal attraction that matters more. In doing so, you may be able to really address the things lurking in your own heart and mind that have been sabotaging your dating life.
This really is a tough question. I think LadyElaine gave some good advice: you should consider what your standards for attraction are.
Personally, I've not had this experience. Now, I have got to known guys who I didn't find particularly attractive upon first meeting them. But, as our friendship developed, I now think that they are very nice looking guys. And, I've had the opposite experience: met a very handsome guy only to decide he is not that good looking after all, once I knew his character.
There are some objective standards in regards to physical attractiveness that I don't think are necessarily shallow. For instance, I won't really consider a guy who is severely over-weight. My reason for this standard is that, typically, such a problem shows lack of self-discipline. Also, if a guy is habitualy dirty, that shows a lack of cleanliness.
Sometimes, though, people are just cursed with (as an old lady friend used to call it) "the ugly gene." And that is really hard. I guess, in those insances, we should seek to see people as God sees them.
So, I would suggest praying about your standards. Ask God to reveal to you why you feel the way you do. He won't guide you wrongly. :-)
I had the same question a few months ago and she sent an article to me. One of the lines reads:
"...And yes, romantic love and attraction are a necessary part of marriage. They aren't everything, but without them, couples have a hard time fulfilling their marital duties, let alone approaching the intimacy in Song of Solomon. If you don't foresee being able to love this young man as a friend AND a lover, you really should end the dating relationship now. It's not fair to string him along."
You know reading all this and the replies makes me wonder if there is some sort of inventory type thing out their which is solidly based for finding out more about ourselves and what we find attractive. Lady Elaine, do you know where we could find such a relationship inventory like you menchined?
I don't think there's a magic checklist for it. But I do think that we should go to God for wisdom on this. We should look at our experiences and our ideas about what we find appealing and ask the question why? to God. If you like a guy, why do you really like him? What do you seem to "connect" on?
Observe his:
social habits(his friends, hobbies, and the manner in which he pursues both); how he relates to others versus how he relates to you; this is especially telling in regards to how he relates to the women in his family.
professional habits: ask questions about where he wants to be in a few years, and his plan(if he has one). Also observe if his behavior shows any initiative or drive towards that goal. And of course, one of the most obvious: What are his goals/priorities? How does he spend his time?(Goes back to the first portion)
spiritual habits: What is his understanding of what it means to be a Christian? What does it mean for him to know God and have a relationship with God? What is his understanding (and habits) of prayer, worship, and prayer? How does he handle having conversations about his faith and his life?
physical habits: Is he prone to overeat? Not exercise? What does he enjoy food-wise? How does he deal with those who are not as fit(or more ) than he is? Does he physically push his limits or put his health on the backburner for something he deems more important?
