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Posted by LadyElaine on August 19th, 2009 at 1:30pm
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When I think about women and friendships in my own life, it seems that life with women seems to fit certain categories: acquaintances, associates, relatives, and my inner circle. Each of these categories is distinguished by the level of trust I have in each relationship. Truth be told, there are very few people in my inner circle( you can count them on one hand), several people in my associates(two hands), and acquaintances are many (see my Facebook friend list).

But when it comes to women and genuine friendships, I have a rough time. There are many things that seem to dampen that, even now. Since I am in my late twenties, my pool of available female friends seems to be consistently shrinking, as many of my friends wind up entering Coupleland and only stop to visit as an afterthought. Of course they offer to spend time with you(significant other/spouse included), but no one wants to be “the single friend” all the time at events and occassions, where your love life becomes conversation fodder or the group entertaining rubix cube(nothing to talk about? Let’s see how bad our single friend has it and see if we can get her a man too!)

So, I avoid couples like the plague now, not because I don’t wish them well or want them to be happy….Rather, just that I’ve become my worst nightmare as a single person who is only reminded of her own loneliness when she is around couples(which only makes me more sad when I realize how pathetic that sounds). Hanging around my girlfriends sometimes doesn’t help, because then I go into complain mode and I’m not really being thoughtful,encouraging, or even productive in my speech, insead using girl talk time as a venting session.

It all comes down to this: I don’t know how to be a good friend, and I don’t know how to let others in to be a friend to me. It could be because I rarely ever let my guard down to anyone. It could also be because I’m not the most socially adept person. It also could be because I’ve been misunderstood and at a loss when it comes to addressing cattiness, conflict, and disagreement.

Maybe I’m just better off being by myself…

Posted by LadyElaine on August 18th, 2009 at 8:52pm
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I downloaded the Boundless' Girls' Guide to Marrying Well a few weeks ago. While I think that the authors offer practical advice in regards to marriage(staying healthy, avoiding zooming to intimacy in opposite sex friendships without boundaries), I think it would be best suited for young women who are just out of college or are still in college. If you're older, it seemed rather out of place. There were an abundance of generalizations about men and women that disturbed me. Among some of the helpful advice was the concept that practicing modesty and withholding sex from men would turn "lust into love," and the great advice that if you can't picture yourself married in a year that you're not ready." If such applications were a hard and fast rule for everyone, then a LARGE portion of the single population aged 21 and over are in NO WAY ready to get married(and for once, I"m not even addressing this from a financial perspective).

There are other things, according to this lovely guide, would put me further in the category of "doomed to singleness". For one, I think that the problem is simply lack of male initiative. It's just not that simple. I think it's the oversimplification of singleness and dating, as well as generalizations and mocking of singleness that are making protracted singleness worse. Singleness is not simply a "super-holy time with Jesus", and marriage is NOT the highest and holiest callling a person could aspire to(I'm still waiting for the scripture on that one). The last time I checked, holiness is a pursuit that ALL Christians should be involved in, and marital status has NOTHING to do with that.

Let me say that I appreciate Boundless' attempts to offer an alternative to secular teachings about relationships and being single. But I am thoroughly concerned that in some manners that their myopic views on marriage and singleness is further proving how out of touch they are with Christian singles in regards to relationships. For one, it seems that the bulk of their writers who are married did so under the age of 30(with the exception of Ted Slater). Second, it seems that they only want to focus on marriages in the single life without addressing the practical reality of lifetime celibacy for some singles. I've heard tons of resources about preparing for marriage, but none about living a life as a celibate, confirmed single by choice---that is of course, unless it is referenced in the context of the gift of singleness. Third, those who don't follow the prescribed method of spending a portion of their time as a single planning for married life(as if it's a given and not simply a possible choice) are stereotyped as being "super-spiritual." The truth is, there is a difference between living your life as a single and growing as a believer who desires marriage, and someone who lives their life as a single desiring marriage with the belief their fulfillment will happen. Marriage is not simply the covenant that ends all the problems of single life; rather, it is one way that our character and relationship with God is revealed. I believe this the equivalent to using old strategies to address a new issue and calling it something else, with the hope that no one will notice.

So why am I concerned about this? Frankly, I think that teachings like this actually are more harmful in regards to community and discipleship in the body than helpful for singles. I believe that such advice will actually create more insular cliques: Marrieds and singles will segregate even more, and the status quo remains. For example:

Singles hang out with other singles, and as it inevitably happens, the singles beocme marrieds, form married friendship circles from that group. As for those singles who didn't married around the same time as everyone else and are single still (whether by choice or not), you're thrust into two scenarios: You're "phased out" as the friendship drifts further and further apart because your life represents their old life that they've left by marriage; or you make a new set of friends and fill the loss with something else. I know some of you hope for a third option, but don't delude yourself. Do you really want to play the waiting game like a sad puppy waiting for your coupled friends to come back up for air? Didn't think so.

In conclusion, the Girls' Guide is great if you're a young single and hope to be married, but is redundant for older singles.

What about you? What did you think of the Girls' Guide?

Posted by LadyElaine on August 11th, 2009 at 9:27pm
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Posted by LadyElaine on July 23rd, 2009 at 8:30pm
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Posted by LadyElaine on July 18th, 2009 at 8:38pm
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I will say that nothing much has really changed, except for the fact that my little sister is now engaged. I am happy for her and her fiance, as that he's a good guy who will undoubtedly be a great husband and be the man of God that Christ has called him to be, with my sister rallying and encouraging him. While I am excited that I have yet another brother-in-law coming in the ranks, there are some things that I undoubtedly notice as a single Christian that, while well meaning, are just plain offensive, for they make underlying assumptions about Christian singleness and marriage.

For starters, there is the expression, "welcome to the club." As if, suddenly getting engaged for a Christian woman equals the more open doors, a higher pay grade, and a level of respect that is higher than what was already given. What do singles get? Questions year after year about when you're getting married, if you're dating anyone, and wondering when the hold up is. Let's not mention, the nodding expression, "Oh, don't worry, you'll meet someone..."

What if, for example, I had no desire whatsoever to marry? What if I simply was not going to get married? Such responses make singleness seem like it is a temporary way station to marriage, as if marriage is the final destination, it is not. I am amazed at how churches are so clueless about singles and young adult ministries but do the very things that shortcut their support. You cannot say that you care about singles/young adults and then cut their budgets first when things get tight financially. You cannot say that you care about singles when you do nothing within the church walls to actually get to know and mentor Christian men and women other than for the purpose of marital preparation. You cannot expect singles to stay in a congregation where you provide support to every other demographic but to singles. You've got Sunday school, children's ministry, marriage ministry, men and women's ministry, and youth ministry, but somehow there is no ministry for singles. So what does that say to singles?

It says the following things to singles:

We care only about couples and couples with children. Marriage is the norm, and since marriage is the norm, you don't fit, and because you don't fit,we don't know what to do with you. Because we don't know what to do with you, we'll just ignore you and only mention you when we're talking in the context of families. Because you're not part of a family unit in marriage, then you don't really belong.

And do you know what singles do? They leave. They leave and drift from community, because the place they expected to find community and understanding was the place where they were treated like social outcasts. Church, sadly, has become very much like high school---Insular cliques and unspoken rules abound. What makes me angrier as a single Christian is that those who see this cycle happen and actually have the guts to call it what it is are referred to as bitter singles, when they simply just want the cliques to stop and for the Church to actually be the church instead of acting like another social clique with pithy, spiritual catchphrases for rude and condescending attitudes regarding singleness.

I am very aware that singles have to be a part of the answer of this issue to the Church. But you cannot say that we're being part of the answer if you don't like what you hear from us on the subject. Some of us will get married. But some of us won't. Some of us will have children, and some won't. As the body of Christ, that shouldn't change your respect,love, and relationship with us, as we are one body through CHRIST, and Christ alone. It is not Christ plus marriage, or Christ plus marriage and children that makes a successful Christian. It is a relationship with Christ---continual trust and obedience in Christ that makes a successful Christian. Our title, status,and purpose all rest in Christ. I know that some think I"m being pithy. But I'm being real. Eventually this world will end. Spouses and children die. We all will physically die. But it is about what is done for eternity, not simply if we marry or having children. And that is not dependent on marital status, age, ranking, gender, or even finances. We all have different ministry gifts and talents, and have different types of relationships with each other. However, the types of relationships we have are not the sole thing that should be exalted as seen as the qualifying factor for success as Christians. I guess you could say that I'm trying to start the dialogue about

So, to start the dialogue, I'd like to address several thoughts about marriage and singleness that annoy me and ask the married folks for feedback, because then maybe you could address why these questions/comments are so common among coupled/married folk:

1)Asking a single person why they're not married and/or when they're getting married.

2) Looking at your single friends as a coupled person and thinking, "Oh, if they'd only do/stop doing _______they'd be able to be in a relationship"

3) Thinking that your specific relational experiences as a single Christian should be the standard that others should generally follow because it helped one person

4) Immediately thinking that something is wrong with a single Christian if they're not married past a certain age(namely 35+).