Rebeccaatthewell's Page

Posted by Rebeccaatthewell on June 23rd, 2009 at 5:30pm
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Posted by Rebeccaatthewell on June 10th, 2009 at 7:45pm
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Ok warning, this is a pity party. Well a pity party and an attempt to understand where I am and where God wants me to go. I cannot truly seek God if I don’t acknowledge the truth of what I feel. Not to place any blame but to try and see how I got here and how to get out.

Well, here I am almost a week later, and still no answers. The sucking vortex of pain and emotion has eased somewhat (yeah, I seriously see a pattern there lol), but there are still no answers and merely more questions.

I have joined CR and although I don't feel like I really "NEED" it, I can see where I would very much like to be a part of people who care about each other and are willing to reach out to one another when they know they are hurting. I can also see where I can be used here. A place (as a friend put it) to actually use the "voice" God has given me. AND, they asked me to sing and play in their choir. Sing and play, the things I love more than anything else, THEY want me! They heard me and asked me to join them. A place where I am actually wanted. Still, I am not sure how far to go with this. I have problems and issues (who doesn’t) but no great childhood damages and hurts or major addictions, so I just don't know.

I also look at the familiar and feel like something is gone. The great attachment once felt is just gone. I still have fond feelings for many of those around me, but it is like my heart has been destroyed and I feel nothing but a lukewarm affection, even for those who I once held in HIGH esteem. Have they changed? Have I? Actually, I honestly think it is both of us. Something has made them seem cold and unfeeling or if not unfeeling, then just so busy being living that they are no longer connected to each other, (or that could just be me they are not connect to and they still connect to each other). And I, I have changed too. I don’t have the use of my heart at the moment. It was shattered beyond mortal repair. The lead weight in my gut making it even harder (and it has NEVER been a picnic) for me to even want to reach out to others. Losing the object of my affection is not so much causing me to not love the others, but to question how they can possibly love me when even those I thought were my best friends don’t want my affection or concern, much less my love. How do you reach out in love when you expect it to not only be rebuffed but returned in bloody pieces.

Ultimately, for me, everything boils down to feeling wanted. It is much easier to love people who love you and show it. And to some extent it is not that hard to love those who never show it, but there comes a time, when you just have nothing left to give.

The good news is that I do not think anyone hates me!! And I am very happy about that. The less happy news is that I don’t think they particularly care if I am there either. It is like I have been erased from the collective memory even though I am still standing there. Almost like a ghost drifting on the fringe but never really being a part. At least half of that is my fault and I accept the blame. I closed myself off because I became so overwhelmed with my own emotions and feelings that I became incapable of reaching out. Yes I know, very self-centered of me, well it is my blog LOL. Ok, it is the blog space that God gifted me with (I heard that phrase in church today and I think I need to say it a lot more because I am way to dependent on thinking I have things to offer when in fact it is the things God has made me steward of that I have to offer and not anything I own myself).

I also despise being told to “Buck Up”. To me it is the same as telling someone who is starving to be well and giving them nothing to eat or someone who is freezing to be safe and giving them nothing to keep warm. I don’t hate the people who use it, because I see how it has kept them alive and centered. I can even see how it is a useful idea with positive and beneficial results for others, but I resent the implication that this hell in my head is simply my own fault or my own choices, and if I would simply “get over it,” everything would be peachy. I resent the implication that I choose to be this way or that I like it.

I am being torn apart from the inside and I sit in church screaming incoherently like a banshee in my head and no one hears me. I act normal, while inside, I am a shrieking mass of pain doubled over, unable to even catch my breath as I beg God to make me go away. And then, I go home. Alone. Then I travel through the valley of the shadow of death to arrive at an empty house with empty dreams. And the ONLY person who ever goes with me is God, and as grateful as I am about the fact that He is with me always, sometimes it just isn’t enough to make the pain go away.

God is a supernatural intangible being and His people are supposed to be His hands. What happens to those who have only the spirit and never feel the touch of another person? I will tell you what happens to them, they become lost in the swirling vortex of their own emotions and feelings because they have NOTHING TANGIBLE to hold on to.

So, where does this little rant and rave leave me? Again, I don’t know. I don’t know if God wants me to ride it out and stay in the boat, or is He using circumstances to try and direct my path into another course. And how much of my confusion is because the object of my “heart” is somewhere else and I simply want to be wherever he is (even though he doesn’t want me – I know, pathetic aren’t I). So much chaos and no answers in sight, but I will keep praying and keep listening and maybe I will actually be able to hear what God is trying to say and not what I want to hear, or what I expect to hear, or even fear to hear, but what God is actually saying. Until then I will fight the emotional crush as much as I know how, and hold on to the FACT that God LOVES me!! And God wants the very best for me!! And God does not want me to be alone!! I HAVE to hold on to the fact that God does not want me to be alone and He is working always on my behalf to not only bring me someone, but to show me also how to walk through this valley of shadowy death and He promises to be with me every step of the way. And I am holding on to that promise with every breath in my body and every beat of my heart.

Posted by Rebeccaatthewell on April 26th, 2009 at 8:57pm
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Today as I sat and listened in church I realized that I have spent my life at Marah. The water in the desert was from God and it was life giving, but it has always been so bitter that I drank it and choked a lot. So, now I need to find a way to make the water sweet. God showed Moses a tree to toss in the water at Marah to make it sweet, so I need God to show me how to make the water of my life sweet when it has always been bitter. I drink the water that God has provided and try to move forward, but it has always been a bitter experience and more of a duty than a joyful joining. The water has keep me alive and going, but it has always been bitter and therefore more of a unhappy life neccesity that must be born rather than the sweet refreshing that it should be. I am not sure what to do with this or where to go with it, but I am hoping that God will point out a tree in the near future so the water can be changed.

But I have to admit that I honestly don't want the water to be turned sweet, I want different water. I will accept the life I am given if I must but I cannnot honestly ever imagine enjoying it or wanting it to be this way... well that seems like the preface for a miricle LOL. Saddly enough, a miricle I don't realy want, but will accept if there is no other way.

Posted by Rebeccaatthewell on April 20th, 2009 at 8:22pm
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Posted by Rebeccaatthewell on April 20th, 2009 at 7:33pm
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This is the blog I posted to all of my friends after the death of a old school friend and I wasn't sure all of the people I know, know exactly who's I am... so I figure it will work here as an intro as well.

Thanks

Rebecca

So here is the TRUTH as I know it.

I sit here tonight and think on so many things. The past a living movie in my head of people, places, and moments in time. My heart aching, the question of did I do enough reverberating through my mind. My best friend through junior high, high school and much of college before life took us in different directions, died today from a massive heart attack. She was a year younger than me. She leaves a mate and a son and daughter in high school and she refused to accept God back into her life after walking away from him and the truth she was brought up in. Do I truly know that she refused God all the way to the end, no, and dear God I hope she did not, but the truth is, I will never know until I too am called away and then it probably will not matter anymore. My heartache is this… did I do enough. Did I tell her what I, as a Christian who loves both God and her, know to be true? Or did I let the world around me shove me into a corner of cowardice? Did I step back from the plate when I should have stepped forward because I didn't want to be disliked?


Her choices, of course, are her own, but did I do everything I could to show her the love of God through me? Then begs the question of do I show all my friends who I truly am? I do not judge their choices, and in fact those who choose to not believe I hope get every possible wonderful thing in life they can received, because I know what is going to happen to them when life on earth ends and my heart breaks for them. What do I do? Do I let the people I love be ultimately deceived and destroyed without making a peep, or do I stand up and most likely loose many treasured friendships because I let them know what is going to happen to them that they don't believe and don't want to hear it? How do I tell them it isn't about fire and brimstone, but about love and relationship when that is what they hear from most preachers? How do I tell them that words are not enough and their lives have to reflect their words or the words are empty, yet we are all still human and full of human faults and failings?


I sincerely love all my friends, both Christian and Non-Christian, and I really hope that I have not offended them so much that they choose not to be friends anymore, because I really do not condemn them or their choices, I just know what the consequences of those choices are going to be. Will they hate me if I tell them something that they refuse to believe and don't want to hear?? I hope not, but I have come to the conclusion that there is a truth MUCH more important than the life we live on earth and irrelevant of the choices of my friends and family, I MUST be true to that truth. So, I will state it here, in my own blog where I have the right to post my own thoughts. Where others may choose to read or ignore, without pressing into the personal spaces of my friends, but where I can present truth regardless of personal opinion.


TRUTH:
There is a single God of existence and nothing exists without Him.
TRUTH:
Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit of God are interwoven into a trinity being with God and they speak and act as one.
TRUTH:
They (God) love every single person in existence, from the greatest saint, to the deepest sinner.
TRUTH:
God so loved the world that He sent His son from the throne of Heaven to live as a human being on earth for 33 years and die unjustly and tortured on a cross so that the sins of all the people in the world (before, during and after his time) would be paid for. Sins, meaning the deliberate choice to walk away from God, (no more, no less).
TRUTH:
The price for our rebellion has been paid by innocent blood and the barrier between us and God (sin) has been covered by the willing sacrifice of Christ. Therefore, we have been given mercy that we did not deserve and grace that we have not earned.
TRUTH:
The ONLY things that we have to do for this redemption is accept that we need it and then accept the sacrifice that was made. This means allow your heart to believe that Jesus was the Son of God, lived and died as a mortal man, then rose from the dead 3 days later and is even now sitting at the right hand of God as our High Priest. He was the living personification of the presence of God and that he died without doing anything wrong and paid blood price for us to be redeemed from the depths of hopelessness, and yes eternal damnation.


Other than that, I believe that each choice is up to the individual in how the choice to believe is walked out. That part is simply what I believe, I don't know exactly what the truth of that part is, but I trust in the nature of God and I am learning to know the heart of His nature is love. Not that there is not fire and brimstone in the picture as well. Not a condemnation from God, but as a choice we make ourselves in where we will go and who we will follow. In living life you will be a follower! You will either follow the living God or you will follow the great deceiver and the Father of Lies who only waits in the shadows for you to fall so he can devour and destroy you. There are only two choices here. Follow the truth, or follow the lie. The choice is up to the individual and the judgment is not for people to decide, but will happen at the end where all will be divided by God into those who accepted Christ (and whatever that entails to the individual) and those who, by their choice to not accept Christ, accept the source of all evil as their master. There is no middle ground. You will choose one or the other because there is no way not to choose. To refuse to accept or to make a choice is to make a choice.


Now, having said all that, understand that I am not condemning anyone to death or to hell!!! I do not have, nor do I want that power! I do not hold it against anyone for choosing to follow the lie, for each one of us must make our own choices, and I love those who follow the lie just as much as I love those who choose God. I am not condemning anyone with this message, but I am telling you all the truth. What you choose to do with this information is up to you without any judgment from me. I simply bring the light, it is not my responsibility to force anything on anyone, and it is simply my job to tell you this ultimate and all-important point!


GOD LOVES YOU!! No matter who you are, where you are from, or what you believe, and He will always accept you if you choose to come to Him, but He loves you so very much, that He left you free will and the choice as to what you believe, is and will always be, yours to make until the end when there are no more choices to be made.


I love you, as my friends regardless of your choices, but I could not stay silent incase there was anyone here who did not know. Now that you have read the Truth, you are responsible for your own responses to it. I no longer have to worry about weather or not I stood up for the truth or allowed people to slide into darkness because I was a coward. If you cannot accept anything I said and you choose not to believe what has been revealed to you, then I sincerely hope that you will continue to accept me as your friend because I still love you all, no matter what your personal choices may be and I will not argue or debate these things because they are not ideas or thoughts to debate but a truth far greater than you or I and that is why I don't leave room for comments. This is not about people's opinions, it is about what the Bible (not man, including me) says God is and what He wants to do. If you have questions about anything I said, don't argue with me, get a Bible and figure it out for yourself. I am simply someone who is pointing the direction – the Bible is the actual TRUTH and that path is for you and God to discover together. (If you do not believe that the Bible is God speaking to you, then read it and ask God to show if it is His Word because NOTHING I can say is revelant - some things require faith and faith is the substance of things unseen (therefore unsubstantiated because though I know them to be real and true I cannot prove them to anyone else and even when prophets of the past showed people the power of the living God people still refused to believe)).

If you send me an email trying to debate this, I will not reply, because I have nothing to defend or debate. This is God's deal, not mine, and I am simply showing the way. You want to fight it out, fight it out with God and trust me, He is not afraid of a challenge. I have no more to add other than I hope this has not lost me the friends I have come to know and cherish and if you can't accept this truth, then a least accept me as still your friend because I could not let you be destroyed when I can see the destroyer and warn you of his presence. Just try to keep in mind that my thoughts are this and everything here is revealed in love and concern based on the concept of what kind of person would let their friends be killed when they could save them by revealing the hidden death trap? And no, I do not expect to change ANYONE's beliefs or opinions. That is not my responsibility; my assignment is simply to show the way.

I am, and always shall be, your friend.
Becki