Sarah's Page

So.

A friend of mine (same Jenny as mentioned in previous blog) is a big fan of A.W. Tozer. I have never read him. I've never even desired to. But last night, I saw this book sitting out on the coffee table, and decided to take it to bed with me.

I don't know what kind of reader anyone else is, but I always know whether I'll enjoy a book at the end of the first chapter based on whether or not I reach for my pen. When an author is writing things that I want to remember, want to underline, want to make comments about...I know I'll love the book.

I didn't get very far into this book before realizing that God wanted to teach me a lot of things. In fact, I was crying by the end of the preface.

"It is impossible to keep our moral practices sound and our inward attitudes right while our idea of God is erroneous or inadequate. If we would bring back spiritual power to our lives, we must begin to think of God more nearly as He is."

I poured over this thought for quite awhile. I fell asleep thinking about it; I woke up thinking about it. What if my thoughts about God are not honoring to who He is? Now, I don't think it's truly possible for us to fully know God's attributes (and neither does Tozer, from what I understand); but I do think that we've been given a glimpse into His character in scripture. So if the Bible says something true about God, then why am I so quick to dismiss that, and conform God into my own perception of life and how things are?

I thought about this in terms of my church situation. I thought about it in terms of my friendships. I thought about it in terms of my job. I thought about it in terms of my future.

And this morning, as I was still laying in bed, I realized that Tozer has hit the nail exactly on the head: my struggles, my sins, my fears, my rebellion...they all stem from a wrong view of God.

Most notably, two things. First, my fear of choosing and pursuing a career, and second, my beliefs about men and whether or not I am loveable: both of these are rooted in a wrong view of God.

The bad news? I'm not sure that uprooting is going to be comfortable!

The good news? I am ready to be uprooted--even if it is uncomfortable!

I am ready to believe God afresh. I am ready to trust Him to be who He says that He is. I am ready to live my life without abandon, and without shame. I am ready to be His, and to walk with Him.

Why am I here?

I'm new to this place. I'm not sure how or why I ended up here, except that I did--in fact--end up here.

I've been a fan of Candice's over at Boundless for awhile now, but I've been avoiding any talk about relationships or godly marriage or anything of that nature because of a breakup earlier this year that left me feeling paralyzed, wretched, and completely unlovable. Today, I was hopping around, catching up on some things, and ended up here.

The topic of finding a husband is one that never grows dull. My friend, Jenny, and I have been talking about it for several weeks now. It's a difficult conversation in our culture. The more we talk about it, the more there is to talk about. It seems there is a never-ending plate of spaghetti by which all of our culture, doctrine, habits, goals are interconnected to the matter of love and marriage. So your father left you when you were a child? That affects how you view marriage. So you were sexually abused? That affects how you view marriage. So you are a Calvinist or Arminian? That affects how you view marriage. It goes on and on.

It is almost depressing, to be honest. There are so many things in our culture (even in our modern Christian culture) that are detrimental to marriage and to healthy relationships. You no sooner begin to understand one aspect, and you are confronted with five more aspects that need to be addressed.

I thought I was making progress on the matter, to be honest with you. I thought I was beginning to see how marriage (and a loving relationship) was supposed to work. I thought God's plan for me was beginning to make sense. You know? And then my boyfriend just...gave up. Ah, there's a lot more to it than that. And I don't want to speak badly of him. But he did just give up. And it sent me tail-spinning.

So for the last several months, my struggle has been in believing that God can still bring about a godly marriage in my life. For the first three months after the breakup, I sort of felt like...even if God *could* bring it about, I just wasn't sure I wanted one. I was so confused, and so lonely, and so discouraged about men. I began to think that I was better off without one.

It was when Jenny began sharing with me about her struggles with dating, that I began to think and speak seriously about love and marriage and godliness again. It blew my mind. I heard myself saying things to her that I truly believed, but had forsaken. And the more we talk and write letters about our future husbands, the more I realize that the only reason I have struggled so greatly with this is because I so greatly desire to be a wife and mother.

That is not a popular thing to say in today's culture. But it's the truth.

Anyway...stumbling upon this site, and Candice's book, is like a drink of cool water on a hot day. I am going to order her book for myself, but also for two of my friends.

I guess the truth is...I'm eager to see what God does in my life. I'm encouraged by what I'm seeing on this site--women who are serious about praying for the men in their lives, women who are serious about being the kind of women God calls them to be, women who are serious about encouraging and supporting one another, women who are honest enough to admit they long for marriage.

I am so, so encouraged by this. And that's why I'm here.