Wendy's Page

Wow. It has been a little over a year since I first came upon this website and posted my very first blog post. A LOT has changed in that year. I dared to hope. I dared to be bold. And now a year later, as Valentine's Day approaches, I will be celebrating that day with my (gasp!) fiance!!! Yes, God has blessed me with a wonderful man that I will be marrying in only a few months. I do not believe that I have done anything differently than other women on this website have done. It is just God's timing for this blessing to be occurring in my life. I fasted once a week for almost a year, praying specifically for my future husband, and after I began dating this man, for our relationship. But again, I do not say this to imply that this was the "magic" weapon. I feel blessed beyond what I deserve. I feel blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined. I do not know why God has chosen this time and in this way to bless me this way, yet He has. I have been learning so many things during this process that started about a year ago. God is good and He is faithful, whether I am engaged or not. And I needed to know that. I needed to come to that realization. As I also approach my 31st birthday, I am pretty calm. It is not that there is this man in my life. It is because God has done a work in me, in my heart, and has taken me out of some of the mud and mire that I had been stuck in. I could not see very far out of that pit. But He has brought me out of it and placed my feet on solid ground again. I know that I will need taken out of that pit from time to time, but I pray that it is less and less. God has knocked my socks off!!! And I thank Him for all that He has done in my life over the past year, as I reflect on all of the journey He has taken me on. Thank you Lord!

A lot has been happening the last 4 months, but even before that, since January. January is when I started to fast once a week for my future, specifically my future husband. I had been on Eharmony at that time and my emotions were tossed to and fro, depending on whether or not I would have any communication with any of my matches. My profile was specifically and blatantly Christian so that I would not attract someone that was not of the same yoke. But I was getting more and more anxious, frustrated, and angry. I was even directing some of that towards God, wondering if He even cared about me and my desire to be married. I was also going to be turning 30 in a month (February), which was somewhat tramatic for me as well, since I had expected to be married long before my 30th birthday. At this time, a good friend suggested fasting, specifically from Eharmony and also food, as a way to bring these things before God. So I took her suggestion. I started fasting one meal a week, longer if I could but that was the exception. I also fasted from Eharmony for a period of time, and by the end of February, I had cancelled my subscription. I turned 30, which wasn't the end of the world, and life moved on. For the next several months, I was on this website faithfully reading, even if I didn't necessarily blog or share info. I was digging into the Word of God, praying, seeking God's face, participating in a few Bible studies, and trying to keep my focus on Christ, the place I had once lost. I was still struggling with being single, but it was a different struggle. I had my eyes on Christ. I continued fasting, I started praying with a dear friend once a week as well for my singleness, and I was praying with more confidence. My spiritual life had some more life. Then in July, through another good friend's suggestion, I tried a different internet site in trying to meet a single Christian guy. I have met the most amazing man. He is a man after God's heart. Christ has used this man to open up my eyes and heart in new and amazing ways. I had shut my heart off for so long, that I didn't even realize it. I feel like the little girl that I once was before life knocked the wind out of me. I had really doubted God, even when I was saying that I beieved Him. I doubted that He would ever bring a Christian man into my life. I doubted that He really cared about me in that way, that He did not really care about the small details of my life. I had never before had a boyfriend, and had lost hope that I ever would. I believe that this is the man I will one day marry, although that is in Christ's hands. But I have new found hope again. I feel like the veil that has been covering me has been dropped for this man alone, that he sees me the way Christ sees me, the way only my family and good friends have always seen me. I find my self doing things that I never imagined that I would actually do again--painting my nails (I haven't done so in 4 years), coloring, creating art, smiling on a consistent basis, wearing a red dress, or getting off my antidepressant again. OR doing things I had stopped hoping I would do--holding hands with a man I love, saying the words "I love you" to a man (other than a family member), walking arm in arm out in public, sharing my deep hurts and dreams with a man, finding my new life best friend, confronting sin (and being confronted by) in the man God has me with, and many other things that God has blessed me with. I am not trying to suggest that I have performed a special formula that resulted with this relationship. I feel so undeserving and humbled by being in this relationship. As much as I wanted to be in a relationship, I feel so ill prepared and unworthy of having this man in my life. In so many ways I feel like he can do so much better than me. But for some reason, God has me with this man that I love dearly. If this relationship does not end with a marriage, I would be highly disappointed, yet I know God would give me the grace to endure that. Next to Christ, I love this man more than any one else in this world. But I need to keep my focus on Christ. He is the Author and Pefecter of my faith, and no one else. My heart is feeling and seeing life in new ways and in old ways, ways that I had forgotten existed. I am hoping and dreaming again. I am being healed from old past wounds. And Christ is doing it all, even if He is using another person as His instrument. Why did I ever doubt? I should not have, because God is ever faithful. But I have been to dark valleys that I needed to go to that helps me appreciate the beauty of the mountain top. I pray Lord, that my focus on You, is strengthened by my relationship. That I can spur others on, encourage others to not give up when all they see is darkness. It is always darkest before the dawn. Let me love You and trust You more than I ever have before. Thank You for Your gracious nudging, Your gentle leading. I love You!!! Amen.

It has been almost a month since I turned 30. I am feeling much better about it and God blessed me with some encouragement from friends and family during that time. I am just amazed at how God is changing my heart in a lot of ways the last few months. And a lot of that has to do with this community. For those reading this, you are very special to me. You ladies are so encouraging and faith filled. If I am feeling down or without hope, I know there is another lady here that I can be comforted by and spurred on to persevere. So thank you! You are all beautiful in the Lord!!

So for the last few weeks, in an attempt to not make marriage an idol and to be bold, I have started to fast one meal a week. I have been doing it on Wednesdays or Thursdays. I am awful at fasting, always have been. I have struggled with eating issues for about 14 years now, although I am getting better at it. So to give up a meal, has always been a challenge. I would love to be able to work up to a whole day, but I am taking small steps now. The Bible talks about fasting and doing it while the Bridegroom is away. So I am attempting to be bold and pray to my Bridegroom for an earthly groom. If that should never happen, I want to be so utterly in love with my Bridegroom that I don't mind. And even if I shall be given a groom, I still want to be so utterly in love with my Bridegroom that I do not look to my groom to make me happy. I want my relationship with Christ to be so real and alive. I want to find my joy in Him alone. So in an attempt to be bold and gain support, I am looking for anyone else out there who wants to join me in this small sacrifice. Let us be bold together!

My first blog post. Well, it is officially February. February has always been a bittersweet month for me, since as far back as I can remember. My first real memory of it was when I was in Kindergarten. Valentine's Day was such a big deal then. But I ended up getting sick and missing school for a few days, including Valentine's Day and the party. I did get to eventually read all the valentine's my classmates gave me, but it wasn't quite the same. And then a few days later was my birthday. Kindergarten was THE year to have a party with all your friends and classmates. Since I was sick, I missed that too. Fast forward to every year since. Groundhog Day and President's Day fall in there too, along with Valentine's Day and my birthday. I have never, yes I said NEVER had a boyfriend, so I have never had the privledge of celebrating Valentine's Day with a boy. I know Valentine's Day is somewhat over rated, meaning that love should not just be celebrated one day a year, but every day. Such a short month for all those things (except for leap years, what's up with that?!). Such a short month to be bittersweet. And this year is even more bittersweet than years past. I turn 30. Such a nice round number to cause such sadness and heaviness for me right now. I have always been one to hang on to things. My mom tells me that I reacted the same way when I was turning 20, not wanting to leave my teens behind. I am so glad that I am over that! But now 30. I guess it is so hard because I never thought I would be single at 30. Since I never had a boyfriend growing up, I just figured that God would bless me with one later in my 20's. It hurt growing up and in college seeing my friends have significant others, but I knew I was shy and most guys didn't go for that. Then after college, seeing one by one, my friends get married, it hurt a little more. But I remained hopeful that God would bring me someone. I was a late bloomer. I was late at learning to be a bit more outgoing and take risks. But as my 30th birthday looms ahead, I am less faith filled. I am less hope filled. I know God is bigger than I can hope or imagine. I know that He is sovereign and that His timing is perfect. But it is getting harder and harder to pray boldly for a husband. It is getting harder and harder to pray period. I know that I need to trust God more and cling to Him during this time, but I have to be honest that it is almost impossible some days. I know I have a lot going for me in my life and that God has already blessed me more than I deserve. And I know that my happiness is not based on whether or not there is a man beside me, and I definitely do not deserve to have a man beside me. But my heart longs for that. Some days I feel that I have done everything I possibly can by laying my desires for marriage at His feet. Yet my heart is not any different. I still have a hard time praying. So if anyone is out there reading this, do you have any hope for me to cling to while my faith is weak? I know turning 30 is not the end of the world and that "things come together" when you are in your thirties, but I am far off from that right now. Maybe one day February will become a month that is no longer bittersweet for me and will turn into joy. But that has not yet happened. So for now, February is the same as it has always been.